We had about nine hours scheduled today for soundcheck, tech, dinner, and then an open dress rehearsal. We're towards the end of the open rehearsal and there's a long monologue that's really drawing my attention in. I love new works and experiences, so I'm totally absorbed. I notice my left shoulder starts to hurt and I think, it's just been a long day, my body is probably tired. The music and monologue continue. Captain Ahab and the captain of the Rachel are arguing over something (I don't quite know all the names and lines yet). Dave Malloy has written some great music to underscore this poignant moment. I'm supposed to be playing it. But I'm completely spaced out. I miss my entrance. I notice Or Mathias, the musical director looking at me and kind of smirking and laughing a bit. He's noticed how spaced out I am and lost in the performance in front of me (I think my mouth was open and eyes glazed over). I plow forward. If I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to make them strong. That's what I tell my students, right? Well, I loudly blunder nearly every note in the song. I don't think I've messed up this many notes in a row, ever. I'm pretty confident no one in the audience heard my complete and utter train wreck (there's no direct mic on the flute). But I'm positive Dave and Or did.
What the f$%! happened!?!? I check my pump and it says 250. That's high. And I imagine I've been at that level for a minute. When my blood sugar is high and I'm already tired from a long day, my concentration is shot. I remember playing the flute part and thinking, "that finger should be moving right now, why is it still down? Don't breathe now. Man, my fingers are slooowwww. Cover the tone holes better." None of that happened though. It was just one bad note after another. My pump doesn't give an alert to send an insulin correction because there's still enough in my system. I check the active insulin reading, not much is active still. I override the pump and give a hearty correction. I've been running on the higher side lately and I'm sick of it. I've thought for quite a while that my correction and evening basal rates are off. I shouldn't have eaten three slices of pizza... But I was hungry.
I finish out the show, which is about another 20 mins and pack up my instruments. It's about 35 minutes total before I'm out the door and on the train. I'm still at 250. Not much walking or energy has been expended yet though. Generally, when I'm sitting or relaxing for long periods of time my blood sugar level stays on the higher side. And when I walk, especially with an instrument on my shoulder, my blood sugar level plummets. It's extremely frustrating. I arrive home and my levels are descending. Around 180. I hang with some friends and relax for about an hour. Knowing that I'm hoping to be asleep in about 50 minutes, I check my blood sugar. 140. Sitting on the steps of my apartment for about 20 minutes with a number like this, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to fall asleep when I'd like. But I was incorrect.
What transpires is two and a half hours of eating sugar, sitting up right, and waiting for my blood sugar to rise. It's physically and mentally exhausting. I'm so tired and all I want to do is sleep. Time passes.. 2am 88, 2:15 - 83 - sugar, 2:30 - 87, 2:45 - 85 - sugar, 3 - 92.... I'm supposed to be up at 7:30am. My blood sugar is supposed to be going up. I look at every goddamn thing on the internet. I sit awake dreaming about how the rest of the world is asleep. How everyone can do what they want with their lives because they can get a full night's rest. I thrash my blankets in anger, because punching the wall would making playing my show very difficult the next day. I'm hungry. How can I be hungry? I pound some mixed nuts, cheese, peanut butter and celery. More sugar... My teeth feel sensitive. 3:15am - 96. So close.
I fall asleep around 4. I've set my alarm for 8am, knowing I'll be writing an email canceling my 9am counseling session (which I pay out of pocket for). I still have a rehearsal at 10:30am at the Musician's Union with the John Yao Big Band. I wake up at 8, write the email and fall back asleep for another hour and a half.
I write this post as a way of lowering my stress during these late night moments where I can't go to sleep and desperately want to. It helps me feel more connected to the world knowing that someone might read this and gain a better understanding of what people with chronic illnesses go through. My diabetes is generally under control. But so much thought and effort go into every decision of my day. Will I make the walk to the subway? Will my blood sugar go to high if I don't exert enough energy today? I'm hungry. What's healthy for my blood sugar versus what's easily available. I have to be on stage for an hour and a half. Do I have my meter and sugar in case of an emergency.
