Relief

I feel markedly better tonight.

I came home after work and my supplies have actually arrived. The supply company actually sent me tracking information this time. Somehow my doctor and supply company actually co-ordinated to get a new prescription. I actually received all my supplies!! I only had to call the supply company twice and the doctor once. This is a huge win, this month.

I wasn't fully aware though of how much stress I was carrying around with me this week while waiting for my supplies. I felt generally alright since my first call to the supply company but many times in the days since I would remind myself, "Call the supply company. Make sure they received the new prescription from the doctor. Tell them to just send whatever they have prescriptions for currently and not wait to send all my supplies at once, when they have the new prescriptions. Don't forget to make a payment for previous supplies. If the person on the phone sounds incompetent, immediately ask to be transferred. If you don't get what you need, ask for the supervisor right away."

This state of being is common with diabetes. So often I find myself stressed in some part of my mind with whether my supplies are going to come, am I going to run out of supplies, have I taken to little or too much insulin, will this visit to the doctor cost me an arm and a leg, can I actually walk to where I am going today, do I have my sugar and meter?

As a diabetic I have to make so many decisions throughout my day just to get anywhere. It's becoming second nature, after five years, but the stress involved with managing a chronic illness is massive. I work to take steps to lower my stress levels but as this disease never takes a break, I find that I can feel fine and normal one minute and then low and ultra discouraged the next.

Along with all the stresses of managing my health and supplies, there is also the issue of how my blood sugar level actually effects my mental state all together. When my blood sugar is very low, it's difficult for me to hold conversations and put together coherent ideas. I need to just sit down and fully recover. When my blood sugar is high for an hour or so, I don't feel bad. But when it's high for a consistent period of time, I become easily agitated and frustrated with just about anyone and anything. Doesn't make for a happy Jones.

Chronic illness is definitely a mental game. I'm getting better at playing it, but it seems there will always be new players and rules along the journey.

Got a lot of fun gigs this month, playing a lot of great music. I really can't wait. And now that I have my supplies for the next period of time hopefully I can really let go and just enjoy music with my friends.

Here's the Ben Wendel Quartet performing Jean And Renata. Featuring Gerald Clayton, Joe Sanders, and Henry Cole. I really want to see this group the next time they are in Nyc.